The Crown Molding.

Today was a pretty good week, so making this list was a real stretch, sorry if these things are subpar annoyances.

1. Ugly App Icons: Your app is front page material, but that icon? It’s hideous. Your app is gorgeous, flawless, beautiful and everything I could ever ask for, but the icon!

2. The Guy Sleeping On My Couch: Who are you? I just heard my roommate get home, but you’ve been here the whole time. Where did you come from? Can you make me a sandwich?

3. Definitely Not The Lady On The Bus Who Gave Me Candy: Because she was awesome. (No, I did not eat the candy.)

4. Leaving My House When It Is Still Dark Out: I mean, sleep rules, but then again, it’s also pretty cool to see the sunrise.

5. This List of Annoyances: What a lame list, right? Wow, I need to get away from puppies and flowers and all that kind of stuff for a while so these lists don’t continue to suck like this.

Because, let’s face it, you don’t have much without it, just a limp body and no, ahem, conclusion.

1. Socks With Lousy Elastic: Nothing like having another half inch of your sock squish into your shoe with every step you take. Soon you have this “fat foot syndrome”, but really it’s just your entire sock all smooshed into your shoe, like it’s some kind of hermit crab and your shoe is its shell. Cut it out, socks.

2. Not Being Magic: I know you think I’m a magician, but I assure you, I’m not. I’m only one person and I don’t move very fast, so when it comes to being somewhere in an instant, guess what, it’s not going to happen.

3. Living in a Tourist Town: I’ve lived in a tourist town for the past four years, six if you count my stint at Chico (yes, apparently temporary alcoholism is a tourist destination.) When people come to visit on their vacation, they assume I’m on vacation. Not the case. Never the case. Believe it or not, people actually go to school and work in these towns and just because you have a free schedule, doesn’t mean the residents of these towns do, too.

4. Scarborough Fair by Simon & Garfunkel: I mean, come on.

5. That Awkward Piece of Graphite in a Mechanical Pencil: It’s too short to not slide back into the pencil, but too long to feel completely justified with throwing it away. Oh well, fuck you pencil.

This last year I’ve been more “social” than I have been in quite sometime. I say “social” because the internet allows for a barrier from real life interaction. However, I’ve really increased that, too. Now, this isn’t a passive aggressive letter to one person, it’s a mere informational letter to everyone who reads my Tumblr, Twitter, or knows my email address or phone number. I may post to the internet, make a move in a game, or send you some sort of message, but this doesn’t mean I’ll send any form of response back if you reply to me. I’m saying that there is a difference between talking out loud and talking to someone. A reply takes effort and thought, but to simply talk just to talk is like listing off items in a room, it’s mindless. As much as I love cell phones and email and the internet, I get easily irritated with the loss of patience it has brought on to everyone, myself included. I feel guilty if I don’t return a text message, but four years ago I wouldn’t have to stress about these things. What I’m trying to say here is, if I don’t reply right away it’s because my brain doesn’t feel like holding a conversation. It’s the “avoiding someone you know at the grocery store” of technology. Don’t flip out, don’t start apologizing for something you didn’t do, and don’t think I’m ignoring you. It’s just me, I am not very social all of the time.

1. Crazy Roommate Bills: Really you bought a microwave in October? So, since your new roommate moved in December, she should help pay for your microwave. Yeah that totally makes sense to me too, I mean, she’ll get to keep one third of it when she moves out right? Oh, keeping a third of a microwave sounds crazy? But you sound perfectly normal, right?

2. People Who Don’t Shut Up: Okay, yeah, introductions are neat, but some people need to pay close attention to the part that comes after. You know, the part where they talk and talk and talk, and never realize that they’re the only person in this conversation. You’d think they’d pick up on the fact that you’ve checked your phone eight times and have progressively inched your way toward the door, but of course not.

3. iPhone’s L and Backspace Key: Your hands are freezing and you’re trying to get a damn text out that says “I’m sure he’ll be okay” or something simple, but every time you type an L you hit backspace and now you’re at “I’m sure h” over and over and, you get the point. This is also a trade off of typing the ‘lllllllllllll’ when you’re trying to press backspace multiple times very quickly. Don’t forget about the ‘M’ and ‘Enter’ either.

4. Kitty Litter: I mean, come on, you know this to be true.

5. Dumb Train Riders: Seriously, the train is completely packed, there is no room for anyone else to get on it, BUT people need to get off, so what do you do? Of COURSE you try to get on before anyone leaves, because that makes perfect sense and no one will get insanely frustrated. Dude, if you just sit back a second and let people get off of the train, there will be room for you to get on. But you know what, this shouldn’t be the only case. Even if the train is empty, you should always wait for people to get off before you shove past them.

Spider Baby, 1968.

My new reason for why I don’t eat meat.