1. Socks With Lousy Elastic: Nothing like having another half inch of your sock squish into your shoe with every step you take. Soon you have this “fat foot syndrome”, but really it’s just your entire sock all smooshed into your shoe, like it’s some kind of hermit crab and your shoe is its shell. Cut it out, socks.
2. Not Being Magic: I know you think I’m a magician, but I assure you, I’m not. I’m only one person and I don’t move very fast, so when it comes to being somewhere in an instant, guess what, it’s not going to happen.
3. Living in a Tourist Town: I’ve lived in a tourist town for the past four years, six if you count my stint at Chico (yes, apparently temporary alcoholism is a tourist destination.) When people come to visit on their vacation, they assume I’m on vacation. Not the case. Never the case. Believe it or not, people actually go to school and work in these towns and just because you have a free schedule, doesn’t mean the residents of these towns do, too.
4. Scarborough Fair by Simon & Garfunkel: I mean, come on.
5. That Awkward Piece of Graphite in a Mechanical Pencil: It’s too short to not slide back into the pencil, but too long to feel completely justified with throwing it away. Oh well, fuck you pencil.
This last year I’ve been more “social” than I have been in quite sometime. I say “social” because the internet allows for a barrier from real life interaction. However, I’ve really increased that, too. Now, this isn’t a passive aggressive letter to one person, it’s a mere informational letter to everyone who reads my Tumblr, Twitter, or knows my email address or phone number. I may post to the internet, make a move in a game, or send you some sort of message, but this doesn’t mean I’ll send any form of response back if you reply to me. I’m saying that there is a difference between talking out loud and talking to someone. A reply takes effort and thought, but to simply talk just to talk is like listing off items in a room, it’s mindless. As much as I love cell phones and email and the internet, I get easily irritated with the loss of patience it has brought on to everyone, myself included. I feel guilty if I don’t return a text message, but four years ago I wouldn’t have to stress about these things. What I’m trying to say here is, if I don’t reply right away it’s because my brain doesn’t feel like holding a conversation. It’s the “avoiding someone you know at the grocery store” of technology. Don’t flip out, don’t start apologizing for something you didn’t do, and don’t think I’m ignoring you. It’s just me, I am not very social all of the time.
1. Crazy Roommate Bills: Really you bought a microwave in October? So, since your new roommate moved in December, she should help pay for your microwave. Yeah that totally makes sense to me too, I mean, she’ll get to keep one third of it when she moves out right? Oh, keeping a third of a microwave sounds crazy? But you sound perfectly normal, right?
2. People Who Don’t Shut Up: Okay, yeah, introductions are neat, but some people need to pay close attention to the part that comes after. You know, the part where they talk and talk and talk, and never realize that they’re the only person in this conversation. You’d think they’d pick up on the fact that you’ve checked your phone eight times and have progressively inched your way toward the door, but of course not.
3. iPhone’s L and Backspace Key: Your hands are freezing and you’re trying to get a damn text out that says “I’m sure he’ll be okay” or something simple, but every time you type an L you hit backspace and now you’re at “I’m sure h” over and over and, you get the point. This is also a trade off of typing the ‘lllllllllllll’ when you’re trying to press backspace multiple times very quickly. Don’t forget about the ‘M’ and ‘Enter’ either.
5. Dumb Train Riders: Seriously, the train is completely packed, there is no room for anyone else to get on it, BUT people need to get off, so what do you do? Of COURSE you try to get on before anyone leaves, because that makes perfect sense and no one will get insanely frustrated. Dude, if you just sit back a second and let people get off of the train, there will be room for you to get on. But you know what, this shouldn’t be the only case. Even if the train is empty, you should always wait for people to get off before you shove past them.
"Stuff your eyes with wonder,' he said, 'live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask no guarantees, ask for no security, there never was such an animal."
1. Hoods That Don’t Turn When You Turn Your Head: Sometimes you really enjoy hoods like this, it’s “cozy” almost, but! when you’re walking down the street and someone is lurking awfully close to you, you can’t get a quick peek at them without having to get your hands involved and by then you might as well just tell them “hey you scare me.”
2. Cold Fingers: No matter what, your fingers will NOT warm up. You can put them in the oven and feel them burn, but as soon as you remove them they’re back to their ice cold state. What’s your problem, fingers? Why do you insist on being cold when you and I both know it’s uncomfortable.
3. Shitty Internet Connection(s): Does this even need to be explained? Do you realize how awful it is to wait three (3!) minutes for a website to open, just so you can immediately click a link on it and wait another three (3!!) minutes for that page to load? This is a never. ending. cycle. Don’t even get me started on trying to look at stuff on flickr. Fml my internet.
4. Cilantro: (Hater’s gonna haaaate) Seriously, this stuff is so disgusting. There’s a difference between being a flavor and being THE ONLY FLAVOR. Same goes with you, bell peppers, onions, bubble gum, chapstick and pepper, learn to be in moderation, your flavor isn’t that great.
5. Heroin Users*: They don’t know what’s going on, they don’t know what you’re doing or talking about, so why can’t they just stay away? They’re too high to make sense and their faces look silly because their brains are too far away from reality. Please go away and don’t steal anything. (*Not to be confused with guys who take advantage of heroines.)
5. I am meticulously clean, I even clean their bathroom and kitchen messes. I only leave my room to go to the bathroom and shower, and even with shitty internet service I’m still always on my computer.
4. I only own white things. This includes my desk, dresser, book shelf, computer, phone, tablet, mirror, and cat. Before I had furniture I just had this one clock on my floor that I plugged in and never set. It sat flashing the wrong time on the floor, being the sole item in my room (except for my bed) for over a month. I did this on purpose. Now it’s completely unplugged and the clock on my wall is stopped at 11:34.
3. They have never seen me eat, ever, so they might wonder what I’m doing cleaning a kitchen I have no purpose being in. I have a carton of soy milk and a carton of OJ in the fridge, that I drink from the carton.
2. I just put rice and water in my rice maker and now I’m going to go to a bar and leave it cooking while I’m gone, come home and throw it all away, making it so they STILL haven’t seen me eat, but they’ll know I at least make food..for no reason.
1. I have a cat and they have no idea he even lives here, and I’m pretty sure they’re going to start wondering if I talk to myself all the time or if his purring is really just an energy efficient vibrator.
1. Loss of Hearing: It’s not so much that you can’t hear, it feels like you have headphones in both ears THAT YOU CANNOT REMOVE. When you finally get over that feeling, you’ll spend the next fourteen hours trying to get the water out of your ears that isn’t even in there.
2. Clogged Shower Drains: You just moved in with two complete strangers and the first thing you notice is that 5 minutes into your shower you’re standing in 2 inches of water. It’s not so much that you immediately gag, it’s that now all you can think about is WHAT THE HELL IS CLOGGING A SHOWER DRAIN. It’s not like you’re Kramer and cooking in your shower, and your shower has a hair trap, so what is it, poop?
3. Taking Shoes Off Before Entering a House: Okay, this kind of makes sense if your house is, you know, clean. But if your entire carpet is stained, all the surfaces of your house are covered in grime and there are two full trash bags in your kitchen, I doubt my shoes are your biggest issue.
4. Cramps: CRAMPS! Enough said. (Not to be confused with the punk rock band, The Cramps, because they are awesome.)
5. Netflix Watch Now Selection: Oh neat, there are new watch now movies! But what the hell? Little House on the Prairie Season 2 and Matilda: Special Edition? What gives, Netflix?